It always seems so good at first. The glee. The satisfaction. The pride. The new way your clothes fit.
I'm talking about weight loss.
I've been through the ringer with this. I've lost weight on purpose. I've lost it on accident. I've lost it because I'm training like a lunatic. I've lost it after taking antibiotics or the stomach flu. I've lost it when I'm sad. I've lost it when I'm stressed. I've lost it when I'm calculating every calorie in and calorie out.
The sad part is no matter the reason, healthy or not, people notice weight loss. And.... they usually compliment me on it. It's hard not to feel attached to this new weight loss and the attention that comes with it.
The love and attention that comes with weight loss can be life-affirming, exciting even. I want to acknowledge and validate that experience. It's real. People compliment you and pay more attention. Suddenly, you're catching eyes with more attractive strangers. Your friends might even be like, "Damn, girl. Your butt is looking amazing these days."
This is the slippery slope.
When the number is low or dropping: love, attention, confidence, happiness.
When the number is high or going up: self-hatred, less attention, low self-esteem, depression.
If the scale makes you feel this way, you can't have good without the bad.
If you base your self-worth off what this external object tells you on any given day, you are destined for a roller coaster ride. External validation is a lot like self-objectification. You don't see yourself as a WHOLE person, you just see the number.
And, girl, you're a lot more than that number. You know that, though.