I've been dating someone for almost 7 years. We are deeply in love.
We met at a party when, let's just say, I did not exactly have my A game running for "traditional sex appeal."
I was recovering from some of the worst acne in my life. It was a toga party (please don't judge me). I lamely only had a top part toga (AKA american apparel scarf that also turned into a shirt). I wore pants and a tank top underneath. For a party that was all about showing off skin, I was kind of covering it all up.
If you know me, this nerdular style is pretty classic. I dress pretty functionally at parties because dancing is a priority. Looking cool is not.
And that night, I met the love of my life. It wasn't exactly love at first sight. He didn't see my face and fall suddenly in love. It took getting to know me. For me, I think it was love at first joke.
Here's the nitty gritty:
I'm going to call bullshit on this whole, "I just want to lose weight to be healthy" crap especially if you're single.
I've said it once before and I'll say it again: If you eat fruits and vegetables, exercise regularly, get good sleep, don't smoke, and limit alcohol intake to 1-2 drinks/day, weight is not a factor for increased risk of death.
I will believe you when you say that being less "traditionally attractive" means that you might not get laid that often. However, certain evidence suggests otherwise. Ergo, less sex=less healthy but that's all relative. I haven't heard of a study that shows how more sex with strangers who judge you based on appearance is good for you.
And, I'll give it to you. The media SUCKS. We're not exposed to enough images of diverse bodies.
But REALLY. We need to stop forcing ourselves to be a part of this weird cult of skinny-only worship. Most importantly, we need to stop caring about the opinions of the people who continue to buy into it.
1. Having sex with someone you care about and who cares about you tends to be better than someone who just sees your body as an object.
Source I'm going to cite here is Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the film Don Jon. I think it's on Netflix right now.
Also, as I've pointed out before. Self-objectification is not great for your self-esteem, happiness, or sex drive.
2. If you're looking to fall in love, physical attraction should not really be the ONLY factor.
Here's a fact: You are going to get old. Whoever you fall in love with is also going to get old unless they're a robot. They may be attractive now but, if you want to hang out with them for the rest of your life, you're going to need them to be more than just a pretty face.
Notably, many heterosexual women are attracted to men who are not "conventionally attractive." We know this because dad bod is a thing. If physical appearance were the only important thing in a healthy sexual relationship, I just don't believe humans would still be on the planet. We evolved because of our brains not because of our plumage so maybe let's stop the sexist "evolutionary psychology" arguments for why being good looking is so important.
3. Sex involves more than 1 of the 5 senses.
We see. We hear. We taste. We smell. We touch. Maybe this is an overshare but it's those sensations and how people take care of you in that space that make for the most pleasurable experience. Don Jon also taught me (spoiler alert) that you don't have to be a "dime" to be good in bed.
4. As a human being, you deserve to experience whatever you want.
We talked about this in my post about bikini bodies. We really shouldn't stop fully participating in our lives because we're worried about what people think. My home girl, Isabel Foxen Duke, has talked about this: You can have sex with the lights off and your t-shirt on. OR, you know, you can just do what you want.
I want to invite you to be part of the bold and brave women of the world who are no longer the objects but the subjects of their sexual and romantic lives.
Let's start a coup d'etat on the tyranny of love at first sight.