Looking "Healthy"

If you've been reading my blog for a while, by now you're probably really comfortable with the idea that you don't have to be super skinny to be healthy. 

Most of us have seen pictures like this and believe that we don't need to be only skin, bone, and muscle to be healthy. 

But...

How do you view health? Do you think you can tell if someone is healthy just by looking at them? 

I used to worry about this soooo much. If I felt fat, I was "SURE" the cheesecake I had the day before had caused a 5 pound weight gain. Cellulite? I "KNEW" that was the result of not working out that week. 

I used to think you could EYEBALL my health indiscretions. 

This made me feel like Big Brother was always watching. And my body revealed every misstep like a scarlet J for junk food or L for lazy.  I thought, for sure, people could see what I had done wrong with my body. 

I truly believed this. I was a regular Ayn Rand about body size. I figured if you were "overweight," that it was your responsibility. I thought getting to a "healthy" body was simply a matter of hard work and dedication. I thought we all had the tools and resources to look healthy. We just had to pull ourselves up by our booty-boot-camp straps. 

 Not all bodies are designed to be chiseled like Jillian Michaels and Channing Tatum. 

You can't tell somebody's story just by looking at their body. You don't know their genetics. You don't know if they've lost 100 pounds to get to where they are. You don't know if it's healthy for them. Some people are healthiest at larger sizes. Some are born to be small. Some are muscular. Unless you're a trained medical professional, it's just not your job to assess their physical well-being by giving them the up-and-down.

And, frankly, my dear, you shouldn't give a damn.

The truth is, regardless of one's size, human beings are entitled to freedom. Freedom to choose what to do with their lives. Freedom to eat freedom fries and liberty toast. People should be allowed to eat cheesecake and skip the gym. Life is not about doing everything right all the time. 

And that sounds alright to me. 

Six-Packs are Overrated

I had a six-pack once. For a week when I was 14….

I was still growing and I had just spent a week at swim camp. We were in the pool for 4 hours a day and doing "dry land training," AKA plyometric exercise, for an hour. That’s 5 hours a day of training, and I was growing, AND I had the metabolism of a 14 year old.

My early athleticism gave me a taste for a certain body type. Athletic training made me feel like being the cover girl on a magazine was attainable.

And it is attainable…provided you’ve got the metabolism of a 14 year old, 5 hours a day to exercise and your mom is cooking you well-rounded meals with lean meats, vegetables and whole grains. When I was 14, I felt like exercise was my secret weapon for having the body I wanted.

I am grateful for my athletic background but, until I changed my relationship with food, I also had an unhealthy relationship with exercise. Whenever I ate “too much” of a “bad food,” I'd vow to exercise it off. If I "ate too many calories," I'd just go hit the treadmill.  This felt sane to me.

I thought that if I had a consistent exercise routine, I'd worry less. It just felt like a clean slate. Like going to confession. I felt like I could erase my bad deeds.

But, of course, that’s not really how it worked. This is not to say that I ballooned or anything (which is not a bad thing anyway). It’s just that vowing to never eat cookies, eating 5 cookies and running 3 miles on the treadmill is not intuitive eating.  And because exercise was a punishment, I didn’t exactly jump for joy at the prospect of a run, even on a beautiful spring day in a beautiful place.

So, here’s my recommendation:  

Lean in and LISTEN to how YOUR body is feeling when you feel inclined to exercise. Why do you want to exercise?  Does exercise feel rough and exhausting? Are you giving yourself enough time to digest? Or do you just feel like you need some fresh air? Time to think? A good stretch? A little competition?

Experiment with me for just a week. Only do the workouts that sound like fun – the ones you have energy and inspiration to do. If nothing sounds fun, maybe you need to couch-potato for a while. I PROMISE that you won’t couch-potato forever if you really ALLOW yourself to couch-potato (think about how you feel after a really long Netflix binge - you probably want to move if only to get outside and get some fresh air or take a shower). Variety is the spice of life.

When you trade in the "calorie-busting booty building boot-camp" for a yoga class you actually want to go to, life is going to improve enormously for you. If you’re lucky, you might even start to like exercise again. And, I think that’s better than a six-pack. 

Why You Should Just Eat the Macaroni and Cheese

I have never gone a day without food.

But I have gone 28 days on a low fat, low sugar, low sodium, no dairy, no meat, no alcohol, no caffeine, no oil diet. Also, I only ate whole grains. Well, technically, I only went 27 days. I cheated once in the 28 day span because there was oil in my vegetable soup.

A little background: I was working for a “wellness club” that promoted this restrictive diet. According to studies, this diet is fantastic for the heart. I had read books like the China Study, Dr. Esselstyn, Joel Fuhrman all promoting this “lifestyle.” It was something we were selling so I figured I should give it a real go.

And so, on February 1st, I began the 28 day challenge. I planned my meals, switched to decaf and did my shopping. I really thought I managed it pretty well. I even maintained it during a bout of stomach flu. In a month, I had lost 5 pounds.  In a lot of ways, it was great. I got to flex my culinary muscles. I learned to cook a bunch of new things. I got really creative with my food purchases to stay within my budget. I saved money not buying meat, dairy, alcohol, and caffeine. I even discovered a few new foods that made me feel really good. 

HOWEVER….. there were problems with this "lifestyle" that made me reconsider the value of the diet: 

1. I got a little nuts and judgey about food.

One time during the 28 days, my boyfriend and I ordered sushi. I forgot to ask him to request brown rice but hoped that he would remember because he knew that I was doing this challenge. When he did not remember, I was a little hangry and kind of lost it when I realized my tiny sushi roll had white rice. I then marched back to the sushi place to buy replacement sushi with brown rice.

In short, I was a pain in the ass and pretty neurotic about food. Even after the 28 day challenge was over, I didn't feel comfortable eating foods on the “no” and “low” list. I had a hard time feeling okay around foods on the bad list and spent a lot of time feeling guilty for indulging.

 2. I didn't really feel that great.

In the depths of winter in New York City, it’s pretty hard to go fully vegan. When it’s cold outside, eating lots of cold fruits and vegetables is challenging. I was cold ALL THE TIME. This is likely because heme iron, or a more absorbable form of iron, is more prevalent in animal products. 

I was also HUNGRY all the time. I realize now that I didn't have much protein or fat which are both digested more slowly than carbohydrates and, therefore, keep you fuller longer. 

I was tired and a little weak. I think it’s because my body just runs a little better with animal protein and living without coffee is HARD. Also, I was calorie deficient. As calories are literally a measure of energy, it makes sense that I had less energy.

3. I was a little anti-social and it was hard to go out with friends

Going out to eat or gathering with friends was its own animal. A few of my friends had birthday parties that month so it was a bit of a bummer to show up to those parties with guacamole, whole grain pretzel sticks, fruit and seltzer and then proceed to not partake in any drinking or eating festivities. No pizza. No cake. No booze. I’m not saying those are necessary to a good time but they certainly help. Even though I don’t remember minding that much, I just felt like a weirdo.

Going out to eat was basically a no-go unless I had full control of my food prep, so that wasn’t great for my romantic or personal relationships. I stayed home a lot. 

4. I was straight-up obsessed with macaroni and cheese.

Because macaroni and cheese was forbidden for 28 days, I became obsessed with it. I’d walk the frozen aisles of the grocery store perusing ingredient labels seeing if it could somehow fit into my crazy diet. Inevitably, there was oil or too much salt. I did end up making my own version of vegan macaroni and cheese which was delicious but did not stop the cravings.

And so, when the 28 days were over, I proceeded to eat macaroni and cheese for the next two months. This resulted in about a 10-15 pound weight gain which undid my challenge weight loss and left me heavier than before. In the end, it was a lot more trouble than it was worth. 

I’ve talked about this in previous blog posts; restriction often leads to the very thing we don’t want. Our intelligent bodies compensate for starvation. Dieting isn't really that great for your social life. It's not guaranteed to make you healthier or even help you feel better. It can leave you with some long-term issues around the food you restricted. 

So, save yourself the trouble.  Just eat the macaroni and cheese. 

Mo' skinny, mo' problems.

It always seems so good at first. The glee. The satisfaction. The pride. The new way your clothes fit. 

I'm talking about weight loss. 

I've been through the ringer with this. I've lost weight on purpose. I've lost it on accident. I've lost it because I'm training like a lunatic. I've lost it after taking antibiotics or the stomach flu. I've lost it when I'm sad. I've lost it when I'm stressed. I've lost it when I'm calculating every calorie in and calorie out. 

The sad part is no matter the reason, healthy or not, people notice weight loss. And.... they usually compliment me on it. It's hard not to feel attached to this new weight loss and the attention that comes with it. 

The love and attention that comes with weight loss can be life-affirming, exciting even. I want to acknowledge and validate that experience. It's real. People compliment you and pay more attention. Suddenly, you're catching eyes with more attractive strangers. Your friends might even be like, "Damn, girl. Your butt is looking amazing these days."

This is the slippery slope. 

When the number is low or dropping: love, attention, confidence, happiness. 

When the number is high or going up: self-hatred, less attention, low self-esteem, depression. 

If the scale makes you feel this way, you can't have good without the bad. 

If you base your self-worth off what this external object tells you on any given day, you are destined for a roller coaster ride. External validation is a lot like self-objectification. You don't see yourself as a WHOLE person, you just see the number.

And, girl, you're a lot more than that number. You know that, though.  

Do I look pretty?

This happens to me every damn day: I must decide what I have to wear. 

It makes me want to say Clay Davis's line from the Wire repeatedly. 

Being a woman and getting dressed is kind of absurd. Depending on where I'm going, I feel like I've got certain things to keep in mind.

Am I trying to look professional?

I better hide any part of me that might look young or sexy.  

Will there be any men staring at me during my journey? What streets am I walking down?

I shouldn't wear too tight of pants that draw attention to my butt or my legs. I better make sure my bra and my neck aren't showing too much. 

Am I seeing a particularly body conscious person today? 

Some friends seem to comment on whether I look skinny or not.  Since my skin is pale now, I feel like I should wear a different color shirt. 

How am I feeling about myself today? 

I feel a little bloated today from eating Chinese food yesterday. I don't know if I should hide my body in a big cozy sweater or put on something that makes me look sexy. 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guessing that I'm not the only one who feels this way in the morning. 

This experience of seeing myself as other people see me is something called self-objectification. Self-objectification is seeing oneself as an object. In the current US media culture, this self-objectification often takes its form as sexual objectification. 

Studies have actually shown that this self-objectification increase rates of depression, habitual body monitoring, increased risk for eating disorders, lowered sexual pleasure, lower GPAs, and lower self-esteem. 

The answer, my friends, is to subjectify instead of objectify yourself. 

Here 3 Ways to Make Getting Dressed more about you:  

1. Function

What are you doing today? Do you need to walk through the elements? Will it be hot or cold? Dress for the weather. 

2. Self-care

What makes you feeeeeeel good and I mean this in a non-objectifying way. I mean this quite literally for myself. I like to wear soft clothes. I like to wear clothes that don't dig into my body and leave marks. I'm working on finding shoes that don't give me blisters. 

3. Wear what YOU want. 

One of the coolest and most liberating things about living in New York City is that you could walk around wearing a paper bag as an outfit and I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't look at you twice.  I'm firmly of the belief that if you think you look awesome, other people will too. Confidence is the sexiest, most professional thing you can put on. 

But the whole point is not caring what THEY think. You're the subject.