Forget love at first sight

I've been dating someone for almost 7 years. We are deeply in love. 

We met at a party when, let's just say, I did not exactly have my A game running for "traditional sex appeal."

 I was recovering from some of the worst acne in my life.  It was a toga party (please don't judge me).  I lamely only had a top part toga (AKA american apparel scarf that also turned into a shirt). I wore pants and a tank top underneath. For a party that was all about showing off skin, I was kind of covering it all up. 

If you know me, this nerdular style is pretty classic. I dress pretty functionally at parties because dancing is a priority. Looking cool is not. 

And that night, I met the love of my life. It wasn't exactly love at first sight. He didn't see my face and fall suddenly in love. It took getting to know me.  For me, I think it was love at first joke. 

Here's the nitty gritty: 

I'm going to call bullshit on this whole, "I just want to lose weight to be healthy" crap especially if you're single. 

I've said it once before and I'll say it again: If you eat fruits and vegetables, exercise regularly, get good sleep, don't smoke, and limit alcohol intake to 1-2 drinks/day, weight is not a factor for increased risk of death.

I will believe you when you say that being less "traditionally attractive" means that you might not get laid that often. However, certain evidence suggests otherwise. Ergo, less sex=less healthy but that's all relative.  I haven't heard of a study that shows how more sex with strangers who judge you based on appearance is good for you. 

And, I'll give it to you. The media SUCKS.  We're not exposed to enough images of diverse bodies.

But REALLY. We need to stop forcing ourselves to be a part of this weird cult of skinny-only worship.  Most importantly, we need to stop caring about the opinions of the people who continue to buy into it. 

Here's how: 

1. Having sex with someone you care about and who cares about you tends to be better than someone who just sees your body as an object.

Source I'm going to cite here is Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the film Don Jon. I think it's on Netflix right now.  

Also, as I've pointed out before.  Self-objectification is not great for your self-esteem, happiness, or sex drive. 

2. If you're looking to fall in love, physical attraction should not really be the ONLY factor. 

Here's a fact: You are going to get old. Whoever you fall in love with is also going to get old unless they're a robot. They may be attractive now but, if you want to hang out with them for the rest of your life, you're going to need them to be more than just a pretty face.

Notably, many heterosexual women are attracted to men who are not "conventionally attractive." We know this because dad bod is a thing.  If physical appearance were the only important thing in a healthy sexual relationship, I just don't believe humans would still be on the planet. We evolved because of our brains not because of our plumage so maybe let's stop the sexist "evolutionary psychology" arguments for why being good looking is so important. 

3. Sex involves more than 1 of the 5 senses. 

We see. We hear. We taste. We smell. We touch. Maybe this is an overshare but it's those sensations and how people take care of you in that space that make for the most pleasurable experience.  Don Jon also taught me (spoiler alert) that you don't have to be a "dime" to be good in bed.

 4. As a human being, you deserve to experience whatever you want. 

We talked about this in my post about bikini bodies. We really shouldn't stop fully participating in our lives because we're worried about what people think. My home girl, Isabel Foxen Duke, has talked about this: You can have sex with the lights off and your t-shirt on. OR, you know, you can just do what you want.  

I want to invite you to be part of the bold and brave women of the world who are no longer the objects but the subjects of their sexual and romantic lives. 

Let's start a coup d'etat on the tyranny of love at first sight. 

No Pain. No Gain

I am a swimmer. It's been my whole life since I was a kid. 

This is based off the Tao 66 quote. You can find that here.

Swimming is sort of a masochistic sport. The joy comes from hard work, seeing how hard you can push yourself. And when it comes to competition, it's all about swimming faster and better. It's taught me to compare. 

When my competitive career finished by college, I started to play with yoga.

I was drawn into yoga by cool inversions that showed off how strong my upper body was, like crow-to-headstand. It was like gymnastics with breathing. 

In the poverty of post-grad life, I found the cheapest exercises were running and donation yoga. I hated running and when my shin splints got worse, I went to yoga. 

Let me tell you, in comparison to 5000 yards of swimming, 1 hour of yoga feels like nothing. I'd be down on myself because it wasn't so demanding cardiovascularly. However, each day I went, the instructors would remind me to focus on my breath and my practice. 

"Don't pay attention to what those around you are doing.Focus on your body. How does it feel in YOUR body?" 

"Try not to judge today against yesterday. Some days the same poses are not available to you."

"Whenever you lose your breath, child's pose is a space where you can always resume your breath." 

"Yoga is a moving meditation." 

"Savasana is the most important pose."

Inhale. Exhale. They reminded me to focus on me, close my eyes, and listen to my body. 

Making the transition from someone who always had her eye on the next lane to somebody who closed her eyes and listened was amazing. 

I found myself enjoying yoga. Doing regular exercise felt good. And the best part: nothing came crashing down. I'm still strong. I can still walk up stairs two-at-a-time. My blood work is within range. 

Yoga has taught me that exercise doesn't have to be about pain and suffering. A yoga practice isn't "No pain, no gain." It's about getting to know your body and listening to it. 

This was a crucial step for me in believing in intuitive eating. Dieting culture teaches us that we must be hungry. We must be left wanting. You cannot achieve what you most want by "taking it easy." (I blame capitalism, the American Dream, and Jillian Michaels). 

Yoga is not about hurting and punishing the body. It's about listening to this amazing creation that manages to never miss a heartbeat. 

And, rumor has it, yoga shouldn't stop on your mat. 

Bikini Body

You know the feeling when it's time to take off your clothes..... 

and put on your swimsuit. 

I always used to put off shopping for a swim suit. Right around March, the spring break swimsuit line would start popping up at stores. Facebook ads for bikinis emerged as I pranced around the interwebs each day. 

The subtle and insidious approach of "swimsuit season" would lie just below the surface of my consciousness.  

I'd spend a few moments in the mirror after removing my 10th layer of sweaters and pants because it's still cold outside in New York in March. I'd do a quick evaluation, "Can I pull off a bikini right now?" 

I'd compare my body to Kate Upton's on the cover of Sports Illustrated thinking, "She's like 'curvy,'" so it felt fair. I'd note the cellulite on my butt and thighs, check my stomach, and my arms. 

Always, I was disappointed. I never measured up.   I'd vow to start the diet tomorrow whether it was no carbs, no cheese, no sugar, or just 200 fewer calories. I'd research causes of cellulite, belly fat and exercises to get "bikini ready."

UGHHHHHHHHH! Here's the stupidest thing: I spend like 10 days total a year in a bikini. I'm not even a beach bum. As a competitive swimmer, outdoor swimsuits for me have almost always been about being an athlete, swim instructor, or lifeguard (aka I wear a one piece because I actually need to be able to swim without letting all the goodies out). I legit don't really have that much time for the beach. 

Why the HELL did I spend so much of my life preparing for 10 days of the year?!!!

And so, here are some reasons why you, too, can stop caring about "getting bikini body ready:"

1. Your shape should never regulate your behavior. 

Many women don't do fun things in their life because they're worried about their appearance. As a water baby. I can tell you the beach is a blast and it should never be missed because you feel like you don't look like Kate Upton in a bikini. Um, hello, can you say body surfing? 

If you're really worried, go into the water and use the water as a cover up. The sand usually makes you pretty opaque. As a bonus, you can still soak up some sun because the water is reflective.  

If you're not a water baby, reading fiction and basking in the glory of our closest star to earth is truly transcendental. Just, you know: wear sunscreen, please. 

2. Support body diversity by being a diverse body. 

I just want to say you are definitely not the only human being on the beach without a magazine beach body. In fact, not even the people on the magazines have beach bodies. Any human who has watched one of those time-lapse videos of Photoshop magic knows that glossy magazine bodies are unicorns anyway. 

So, let's all help each other be satisfied with the bodies we all already have by showing them off. Studies show that seeing more diverse bodies makes people more comfortable with more diverse bodies which is kind of like, duh, but it's important. 

3. It's kind of feminist to wear a bikini whatever your size. 

As my home girl Laci Green mentions in this video, bikinis started as a form of liberation afters years of sexual repression so bikinis are kind #TBT feminism. 

Also, if it's hot outside and you want to go swimming, you should just go. Suffering is silly. You don't have to punish yourself any more, lady. 

Not the word I'm looking for

I hesitated before I clicked on it. 

Body-checking one more time, I was about to click on a quiz to determine whether or not I had an eating disorder. 

"I don't think I'd qualify as having an eating disorder," I thought. 

This was my freshman year of college at NYU, a place ripe with young beautiful women coping with the move from their smaller towns to the bright lights of New York City. If you were thin in your small town, people in NYC are thinner. If you were pretty in your small town, there are plenty who are prettier, better-dressed, smarter, better, faster, stronger. Even bigger fans of Kanye West and Daft Punk too. 

I was struggling with this. I didn't know who I was any more in the big city and I was lonely. 

I felt like all I knew was that I weighed more and had more acne than I ever had before in my life. I was desperately trying to have the body that I had before college as an athlete. 

I was in a deep dieting phase of restricting and, inevitably, binging (although I wouldn't have called it that).

I tried to eat clif bars and green juice for lunch. My sugar would crash pretty rapidly and then I'd give up and eat an entire box of cereal before dinnertime. When dinnertime came, I'd vow to eschew the dessert table and then be disappointed when I found myself 3-4 cookies in. 

Once or twice after my clif bar lunch and taking a pretty rough round of antibiotics for my new NYC acne, I felt pretty pretty dizzy. Then, and only then, did I think, "Maybe what I'm doing isn't healthy. Maybe I have an eating disorder?"

I quickly shook the thought though because I never passed out, my weight was in the "normal" range on the BMI scale and I had regular periods. Also, I didn't try to make myself throw up. So, no. Clinically, not eating disordered.

"Eating disorder" is a loaded term.

It's clinically diagnostic and many people think that it just doesn't apply to them. It only applies to one of them Olsen twins and, like, Ellen's wife or whatever. 

Often when I describe the work I do as a body positive health coach, I'll mention my time as an operations manager at eating disorder treatment center because it transformed my relationship to the word. 

Beyond the fact that I now know the diagnostic criteria for insurance companies (although I'm sure it's changed), I also got to see the people that it affected. In meetings, I learned about what people were struggling with. I read the books we recommended to clients, families, and the rotating interns. 

I started to see my own messed up relationship with food through them. 

When I realized this, I went from seeing the disease as a #firstworldproblem to a feminist issue.  And it wasn't just restricting in totally crazy ways or purging in totally crazy ways. It was far more insidious than that.

Diets, calorie counting, body-checking, obsessive food thoughts, getting on the scale multiple times a day. These things all sounded familiar to me. 

I still don't identify as "having an eating disorder." If I should, then I think most women should.

Beautiful, smart, and talented women everywhere, regardless of their size, are spending time, energy, and money on their body projects. And why? You know: a fat-shaming, sexually objectifying, patriarchal culture. 

I still very much believe in the importance of thorough clinical work for those suffering with clinical eating disorders and to be fair clinical diagnostic criteria is not as exclusionary as it once was (look up OSFED and EDNOS. Some therapists are just avoiding the diagnosis entirely).

I believe that women don't have to spend any more time dieting, calorie counting, body-checking, obsessing, and weighing themselves. 

Ladies, we have more important work to do. 

Mo' skinny, mo' problems.

It always seems so good at first. The glee. The satisfaction. The pride. The new way your clothes fit. 

I'm talking about weight loss. 

I've been through the ringer with this. I've lost weight on purpose. I've lost it on accident. I've lost it because I'm training like a lunatic. I've lost it after taking antibiotics or the stomach flu. I've lost it when I'm sad. I've lost it when I'm stressed. I've lost it when I'm calculating every calorie in and calorie out. 

The sad part is no matter the reason, healthy or not, people notice weight loss. And.... they usually compliment me on it. It's hard not to feel attached to this new weight loss and the attention that comes with it. 

The love and attention that comes with weight loss can be life-affirming, exciting even. I want to acknowledge and validate that experience. It's real. People compliment you and pay more attention. Suddenly, you're catching eyes with more attractive strangers. Your friends might even be like, "Damn, girl. Your butt is looking amazing these days."

This is the slippery slope. 

When the number is low or dropping: love, attention, confidence, happiness. 

When the number is high or going up: self-hatred, less attention, low self-esteem, depression. 

If the scale makes you feel this way, you can't have good without the bad. 

If you base your self-worth off what this external object tells you on any given day, you are destined for a roller coaster ride. External validation is a lot like self-objectification. You don't see yourself as a WHOLE person, you just see the number.

And, girl, you're a lot more than that number. You know that, though.